All's Well That Ends Well

The bees are gone, and they don't have to move again. Hurrah!

Two lovely septuagenarian blokes from my local beekeeping association came late last night and helped me move the hives to an out-apiary (a place you keep your bees that's away from home) a few miles away. I'd met one of them briefly at a meeting, but the other I hadn't seen before. Yet both of them seemed positively delighted to help me out, and kept offering me advice and encouragement and bits of extra equipment until I felt quite overwhelmed with all the beekeeping love. Then one of them gave me a big hug (both of us in head-to-toe beekeeping suits) and said "We're all in this together, love". Ahhh.

So I feel happy and confident again about keeping my bees. It's a shame they're not at home because I liked looking out of the window and watching them going about their business. They're supposed to really improve gardens with all the pollinating they do, and I was looking forward to extra fruit on my trees and extra flowers in my flowerbeds. But they had to go. At least they're still mine, I still get to work them, and I get the honey and beeswax and so on. Also I've made two new friends, and I don't even think I've lost any.

That reminds me, I must try to speak to the postman.

More Bee Jokes

More bee jokes, to lighten the mood.

Q. How do bees get to school?

A. By school buzz.

Q. What goes zzub! zzub!?

A. A bee flying backwards.

Q. Why do bees buzz?

A. Because they can't whistle.

Freaking Out

A bee got in the house. I emptied a can of ancient insecticide that was lurking in the back of a cupboard all over it, then when it was weakened I hit it with a shoe.

You know me well enough by now to know that this is uncharacteristic behaviour. I think it's fair to say I'm freaking out.

The good news is a nice chap from the local beekeeper's association is coming this afternoon to move the bees back from the WBC hive into the National hive. Then this evening we'll move them to their emergency temporary accommodation. So they'll be gone, and my neighbours and husband will be talking to me again.

Was It A Starvation Swarm?

I sat bolt upright in bed last night, and not just because my foot (which had been stung twice) was killing me. I suddenly thought - was it a starvation swarm?

The thing is, despite what Ed says, bees don't act like that. That cartoon thing of enraged bees following you around and stinging random people out of sheer spite. It just doesn't happen. Except, yesterday, when it did.

The exception is when bees are starving, sometimes they swarm and then they're really aggressive. It's very very rare - the Uber Bee Guru who taught the course I attended in May said that he had only seen it twice in his long beekeeping career. But consider the facts:

• Very agressive behaviour of previously mild-mannered bees
• Smoking had no effect (smoking makes bees fill their stomachs with honey in preparation to escape from a forest fire. Starvation swarms aren't calmed by smoking because they have no honey to feed on)
• It has been very poor foraging for months so we know honey stores are low
• The hive we opened did have honey stores but they could have robbed that from the hive next door
• So maybe it was the hive we didn't open that sent a starvation swarm

It fits the facts. And it's easy to fix - we just feed the bees.

They still need to go, to fend off lawsuits from the neighbours, the GPO, and divorce proceedings from Ed who is insisting he knew it would end up like this ("But no-one could have predicted this, it's a freak occurrence", "Well I predicted it", "Oh yes, your in-depth knowledge of bees gained from watching Winnie-the-Pooh cartoons is better than my measly knowledge gained from going on a course, reading lots of books, attending hive meetings at my local beekeepers' association...", "Well, it does, yes, because I predicted this and you didn't..." ad infinitum).

I feel better thinking there's an explanation for their behaviour other than they're just nasty evil bees who hate me and my neighbours.

But still, I have a confession. I'm now a bit scared of my bees.

When Bees Attack

Oh dear. We had a major bee catastrophe today and now the bees are going to have to go.

My bee guru, Don from Cheadle (I keep wanting to call him Don Cheadle but that's somebody else) came to help me move the bees into their WBC hives, and out of the temporary hives I used to fetch them in the first place. I told the kids to stay in the house and said I'd come back in soon. Don and I started transferring the bees over and they seemed very active, more active than they had been when we moved them from Ally's place a fortnight ago.

Then I heard a scream from next door "Aaargh! No! Get off me!", and the yelping of a dog. Oh s**t. Sounds like the neighbour has been stung, and his dog too. Bad news. Then I heard a shout from another neighbour further up the street "Mel! Would you pick up the postman's mail? He dropped it when he got stung". Then that neighbour got stung, too. Then the neighbour with the dog came out again, and got stung again. I ended up standing in the street waving to passing cars and signalling them not to stop, get out, or open their windows. It's amazing how ready people are to take instructions like that from someone in a bee suit covered in bees. One of the cars went right to the end of the cul-de-sac and collected the postman, then drove him back to his van at the other end of the road. We didn't get any mail today.

Don and I finished the job, and walked into the back garden, but angry bees followed us. It was like a Tom and Jerry cartoon with bloodthirsty bees bent on revenge following us in a big angry cloud. Don the bee guru kept saying "They'll go back in the hive soon", but when we'd been waiting for an hour and a half I'd had enough. I was thinking that what we really needed was a heavy downpour to drive the bees back into the hive, but wouldn't you know, this was the first day in three months where it hasn't rained all day.

But wait! I can make it rain! I have a lawn sprinkler! So I pulled out the lawn sprinkler and turned it on. It worked like a charm. The bees left us, Don was able to get back in his car and I was able to go back in the house and have a stiff drink.

I went out later and bought the neighbours a huge bunch of flowers and a tin of luxury dog food for the poor dog. I took it round and grovelled abjectly. I think they'll forgive me eventually. I spent the rest of the day on the phone to various people from my local beekeeping association. Someone is coming round in the morning with a view to moving the bees to an emergency temporary apiary, and then I'll have to arrange an out-apiary - a place well away from habitation but where I can still access my bees.

I'm not getting rid of the bees, but I'm moving them well away from the house, and from our street.

First Bee Inspection

I've carried out my first solo bee inspection. It went really well and my confidence is building by leaps and bounds.

I've learned that:

1. The way I've set up the hives, I can't easily smoke hive 1 at the entrance

2. I don't have a whole lot of room for manoeuvre, the space is rather cramped

3. Smoking bees really is magical - they change from inquisitive and noisy to quiet and calm at a puff of smoke, but...

4. The hardest thing about beekeeping is the fine art of keeping your smoker alight

5. That's not quite true - the hardest thing about beekeeping is finding the bloody queen. If anyone can breed a strain of bees where the queen is fluorescent pink and flashes like an LED, I think they'd be onto a winner

We've Got Bees!

Wow! What a day that was!

A friend of mine with a big van and a bee suit (thanks Tony) drove me to Ally's place in mid-Wales. Ally and her lovely partner B sold us 2 colonies of bees in pretty WBC hives. That sounds quite simple doesn't it? But actually it took all day and was quite complicated. Ally and B also entertained us and fed us delicious soup and plenty of tea and coffee. They're lovely people and I'm so glad to have met them. They're going to be fantastic parents.

Driving for almost 3 hours with two colonies of irritated bees was a peculiar experience, and I have to admit the occasional feeling of "What the hell am I doing? I've changed my mind. Let me out!" But we had no escapees at all, probably due to the unstinting amounts of gaffer tape we used to hold everything together. We finally got back to Poynton after 11pm, moved the hives into my front garden and opened the entryways - the bees were making quite a racket inside the hives but they didn't come pouring out looking for blood.

This morning I can look out of my living room window and see the hives with bees busily coming and going. It's a really good feeling. There's nothing quite as relaxing as watching somebody else hard at work is there? And I could do with a rest now.

Bee Jokes

Since we're posting bad bee jokes...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Abbey
Abbey who?
A bee just stung me!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Anna

Anna who?

Another bee just stung me!

Knock knock Who's there?

Helen

Helen who?

Hell, another bee just stung me!

Eric and the Bee

I've been trying to post a YouTube clip of a classic Morecambe and Wise sketch, Eric and the Bee. But YouTube isn't playing ball, so here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EztaBXod2no&NR=1

Knowing my luck six blog posts will appear in two hours' time of the clip I was trying to post...

Bee Hives

I collected some empty bee hives from a nice woman I met at the apiary meeting. I also collected a travelling screen from the nice chap I met at the same time. I'll need these hives to move Ally's WBC hives, because apparently you can't just move a WBC hive, you have to transfer the bees into a National hive first.

Just to keep things complicated.

So now I'm off to spend a happy hour going over the hives with a blowlamp to sterilise them.

Beekeepers' Meeting

I went to a meeting of my local beekeeping association yesterday. We had a demonstration by a chap who was knowledgeable and an excellent communicator. I learned a lot from watching about a dozen hive inspections, which uncovered a wide range of problems as well as many healthy colonies.

There was also an opportunity to socialise, and I made friends with a few fellow-beginners. I also bent the ear of an experienced and helpful chap who gave me clear instructions on how to move a WBC hive. Ally over at Ducking for Apples mentioned that she was selling two WBC hives. But everyone I asked made that sucking noise with their teeth and said "Oooooh, you don't wanna do that. You can't move WBC hives. Everyone knows that."

That struck me as nonsense. How did Ally get them in the first place? I was sure it had to be possible, even if maybe a bit of a struggle, I just needed a set of instructions telling me how. Although if any of these nay-sayers had gone on to add "Fred over in Wilmslow is selling a second-hand National hive and bees", I'd have taken their arm off. But they never did.

So now I'm trying to find a weekend when I'm free, Ally's free, and my friend who has a van and is daft enough to help me move a hive full of bees is also free. Then I'm going to get me some bees!

New Beesuit

My new beekeeping suit arrived in the post. I also have a smoker, a hive tool, gloves, extremely natty spats, and a cheap and crappy plastic queen cage which is only fit for the bin.

It seems like I'm already to go, but I get the feeling I'm still missing something. Whatever could it be?

Beekeeping Course Part 2

Yesterday was the second and final day of my beekeeping course in Keele University. Once again I had a lot of fun and also learned a great deal. I'm full of enthusiasm now to start with my own bees.

Report on Beekeeping Course

Well I didn't get stung and I had a wonderful time. The instructors were undoubtedly knowledgeable and experienced. The talks were predictably dry but my intrinsic interest in the subject kept me from gnawing off my own leg.

But the hands-on session was brilliant. We all went out to some hives and watched as the demonstrator opened them up and took out the frames covered with bees. We passed them around so we all got a chance to handle them. And we saw the honey and pollen stores, and all the stages of the bee lifecycle - eggs, larvae, capped cells containing pupae, and adult workers and drones. We couldn't find the queen but I'm sure we will in a fortnight when I go back for the second part of the course.

So apart from the hands-on part with the hives I think my favourite thing I learned all day was a tip about how to avoid conflicts with your neighbours. You get an (empty) hive and put it in a conspicuous part of your garden for a few weeks. If your neighbours are cool with it, well and good. But if someone comes and complains loudly that they've been stung, you can show them that whatever stung them didn't come from your hive - your hive is empty, see? After that they'll feel so foolish you won't get any more complaints from them after you do get your bees.

I'm dying to get started with my own bees. I'll have to go back to the local association and see if I can get any good second-hand equipment and a nucleus (that's a queen and a few workers, just enough to start a new colony).

Bee Keeping Course

I'm off to Keele today on the first day of my beekeeping course. I'm very excited about it so I won't hang about here updating my blog. I'll let you know tomorrow how it went, and whether I got stung.

Beekeeping Books

The meeting of the local beekeepers association last night was very interesting. It's an active group with lots going on - regular talks, shows, competitions, courses etc. They're a friendly bunch. I was immediately taken under the wing of the first member I met, who signed me in as his guest, answered all my stupid questions and introduced me to other people. The next meeting is in March and I'm looking forward to it already.

These two books are recommended pre-course reading for the beekeeping course I'm going on in May. I ordered them and they arrived today, so I'll be getting stuck in.

I've also been reading "Honey Bee's Hive", one of the children's series "Minibeast Worlds". The whole series is very good, full of accurate information presented in an interesting way and with amazing close-up photography.

I thought this book was fantastic because it was about bees and I liked the queen bee. She's the one who lays all the eggs. The beekeeper paints a dot on her. I liked all the pictures and I liked the waggle dance. There's a picture of a lady in beekeeping clothes and she looks like mum.

(Sam, aged 5)

Romance Is Not Dead

I like Valentine's Day. If I read about an ancient culture who had a special day each year celebrating romantic love, I'd think they sounded like a culture with good values. Of course it's too commercialised, everything is, but you can easily opt out of all that without throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Ed gave me a 30 gallon waterbutt, 2 blackcurrant bushes and a promise to dig the potato patch for Valentine's Day (I wonder if he remembered to claim his 10% discount at the garden centre for being an allotment-holder?) He knows that if he gave me 3' high teddy bear and a satin-covered card from Clinton's I'd laugh at him. When he gives me a gift he gives me something I want, and he knows me well enough to know what I want (also I'm not shy about dropping hints)

Later on I'll cook him his favourite meal and try to time it so it's on the table when he gets home from work. We usually eat all together as a family, but sometimes we wait until the children are in bed to have a romantic meal with just the two of us. But tonight is the local beekeeping association AGM so I have to go out. That they would hold their AGM on 14th February tells you everything you need to know about the love lives of beekeepers.

Beekeeping Course

I've signed up for a beekeeping course in Keele University in May. I'm so excited! Unfortunately the timing is poor - the course finishes on 27th May and as I understand it the best time to get started with bees is early in the spring. Do I wait until after the course and then try to get a hive and some bees even though it's not the ideal time? Or do I jump in the deep end and get bees and hive before the course, and learn what I'm doing as I go along?

I've ordered the recommended pre-course reading books from Amazon, so I'll be able to make a more informed decision after I've read those. If any Bean Sprouts readers are better informed than me (Stoney, didn't you have bees a while back?) I'd appreciate your expertise.