Introducing the amazing new weight-loss regime taking the country by storm. Forget the GI diet, forget Atkins, now there's the Allotment Regime.
Scientific studies prove that a combination of fresh air, two hours of digging a day and all the rhubarb you can eat can cause weight loss of up to 4 lbs a week. You'll have hands like a navvy, but what a body!
Actually I only managed one and a half hours of digging today, and in that time I increased the length of the bed by a pathetic two feet. After I finally cleared all the glass out I made pretty fast progress until I hit a large buried object. At first I thought it was a chimney pot but when I finally extracted it (which took some doing) it weighed a ton and is clearly made of iron.
Together with a neighbouring gardener we've come up with a plan. We're going to steal a Bronze Age brooch from a museum and post it to Tony Robinson saying we found it on the allotment. Then Phil and Mick and Carenza will come and dig it all over for us.